Finding My Fire: 52 Lists

Here I sit, once again, watching the cursor sit idly on my laptop screen - not having the slightest clue how to put what is going on inside my head into words so that it makes any sort of sense. The last few weeks (okay, months) have been an absolute roller coaster - emotionally, physically, spiritually. To say that I'm drained would be the understatement of the century. I feel as though I've started to lose myself. The funny thing is, I can't exactly put my finger on what has changed. I just know that I'm no longer someone I recognize - and it is terrifying.

So in an effort to try and regain some sense of who "Kaytee" really is, I'm starting a project call 52 Lists, originally developed by blogger, Moorea Seal. Each week, one is given a prompt, and then granted the freedom to create lists, write stories, etc. about the prompt. I actually started this project about a month ago, but I realized that my heart wasn't in it, and it became a chore - something to cross off my "to-do list", and that's not what I wanted this to become. So I am starting again - and this time with an open mind and a heart full of hope that maybe using the 52 Lists to put my thoughts and musings to paper (or blog post) will help reignite the fire within my soul. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't - but I am much too young, and have far too much life left to live to have a soul that isn't passionately and fiercely on fire.

And so begins, List One: Words That Touch Your Soul. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am lover of words. I am that friend that spouts out random new words she learned, corrects strangers'  grammar without thinking twice, and uses her pretentious vocabulary while discussing mundane topics such as where to go for dinner or what movie to watch. So naturally there were quite a few I would have loved to have chosen, but in an effort to really focus on those that are most important to me, I chose my top three.

INTEGRITY - noun; The quality of being honest and fair; The state of being complete or whole. 

When I read the prompt for week one, the word 'integrity' immediately popped into my head. Some might think it strange, but for me, the word 'integrity' is stunningly beautiful and deeply powerful. It represents authenticity, vulnerability, truth, loyalty. I hold myself to extremely high standards when it comes to my integrity, and while some may think that I am too hard on myself, I disagree. Does this mean that I am perfect, and never makes mistakes? Of course, not! I fall short on a daily basis. That is part of the reason I'm sitting at my desk writing this list - I've fallen short. Having good integrity takes a tremendous amount of hard work. But it is so worth it. There are few things more beautiful than authentic integrity. 

AUTHENTIC - adjective; Of undisputed origin; genuine. 

The label 'authentic' can be placed upon many things, but I tend to think of people and relationships when I see the word 'authentic'. There is something to be said for true, deep, and honest relationships. I am so blessed to have more than a few of authentic relationships in my life. It is because of those relationships that even in my darkest moments, I see the beauty in life. Authenticity is a rare and beautiful thing - and something I strive for on a daily basis.

PETRICHOR - noun; The scent of rain on dry earth.

I love rain. I mean I really love rain. What can I say? I'm a PNW girl through and through. Some of my best childhood memories involve dancing in the rain with my little brother on the back porch of our childhood home or jumping through puddles with my cousins. As I grew older, I would take long walks through the rain just listening to the sound of the drops hit the ground. It comforts me. There is something so peaceful and intimate about  it. Life seems to slow down when it rains. My favorite type of rain is the first rain after a long dry spell. (They are few and far between up here in the PNW - maybe that's why I have such an affinity for them...) The smell of a hard rain after weeks days of dry weather is like no other. It reminds me of when life was simple, slow. It touches and calms my soul.